So that’s what they like to say.
For me, what didn’t kill me only made it harder to go on, scraping away at every bit of strength I’ve had, and on occasions, stealing what I never had.
For me, that thing was my period, what most people called proof of femininity.
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As people celebrate their partners, I smile and nod at the palpable loneliness sending jabs at my heart. It’s okay, I say to myself, it’s temporary. I’ll be alright.
Because it’s not like I don’t have someone I can call my partner, but on some days, the distance is too tangible for my liking.
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I was taking my ablution for prayers, when I realised: oh, my thoughts about prayers, cleanliness, purity has been sour since a long time ago.
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Months have passed and I’ve never hated myself more for not writing what I know I should have done a while ago.
In light of our Permatang Pauh MP getting a “call out” on live radio and TV from a guy who commented that he could see the shape of her body and her underwear when her scarf was moved, I felt moved when everyone criticised the man.
Sexual harassment is simple on its own. However, there are certain sentiments that I could not help but be incurred with as I grew up in a misogynistic environment.
The most explicit sexual harassment I had to endure and experience was one that occurred when I was in college.
I hadn’t realised how much April last year affected me until I started talking to Amir about how I wouldn’t have known the things I learned from my current job.
Then I remembered that around this time last year, we were preparing for the day of my sister’s engagement and the onset of inferiority began.
Some days I feel like I have a clear view, but today isn’t one of those days where I’m determined to.
Often, I feel pressured by others to “keep the ones who were around for when you needed them”.
I have always been a believer that you will always have to accept that not everyone will be with you forever.
I grew up always finding it hard to sleep. Some days it’s a little simpler, I can just close my eyes and it’ll be alright. Most of the time it takes tossing and turning and a few hours of laying in bed until I actually lose consciousness, although sometimes it takes a few sleep paralysis moments before I actually do fall asleep.
Completely.
“You’re not married yet, so why would you want birth control?”
Those words were literally something a nurse at a local clinic yelled at me, in front of all the patients, when I decided on the hormonal injection to prepare for my marriage.
Loneliness is becoming a prevalent thing.
Partly out of the need for a different kind of company than social media can provide or perhaps due to the lack of commitment to maintaining a relationship.
They always say “new year, new me”.
I mean, part of it is true, but you barely see anything drastic until the aftermath. I like to think of a new year as a way to see that there will be newer challenges, a new level in a game to face.
Cheesy, but that’s just how it is.
For me, the new challenge last year was facing a year without formal education.
This year is the year I plan to blog. Granted, my plans to be a little more transparent about my life began last year when I attempted vlogging (which I will re-attempt this year) with an old handycam.
Similarly, both approaches are considered my attempts at writing more, divulge more and becoming more open in general as a person. Part of it is also to build my portfolio as a writer and content creator.
I can proudly say that since I completed my formal education, I have written a lot more than I used to.
In July last year, writing in my journal became a regular thing, something I forced myself to do everyday if I had nothing else to do at the moment, so I filled up about two books. It was invigorating, and I regret not having done so in so long! That was also around the same time I attempted at using a planner, and honestly, it does feel great ticking away all the things you have in your to-do list!
There was a certain anxiety that prevented me from writing a blog, and also prevented me from writing in certain places because I felt like “no, this isn’t the right place for it”, thus I had plenty of blogs scattered about, all for different purposes but I ended up abandoning them.
But ah, there I go, rambling again. This was meant to be an introductory post.
With this post I make official this blog titled itshazdoe! It shares the same url as my twitter and instagram, which makes searching for me so much easier!
If you feel like getting to know me a little more, the about page is ready, and feel free to send in little suggestions or messages using the contact form.
Thank you for reading!
itshazdoe. 